you wanna ask yourself sometimes. am i holding myself back. am i making these mistakes in life on purpose just to seem like i'm rolling with the punches.
and then you ask yourself why on earth would i. why would i put myself in this situation and make my life shit. honestly i think its both. purposely and by pure incident.
i think I've found myself in this pit for a while now knowing that maybe somehow i could fall on my feet again and come out a better, stronger women,that pain and anger and sadness would define me and make me better in life. that somehow i would know what life feels like and how crap it really is.
or maybe i stay in this pit because i'm scared. scared of how my life will be like without the sadness and how shitty of a person i am for not feeling in anguish all the time.
for almost all my life i was always treated like shit and if by some reason i had a dilemma in life in that moment, it was nothing. because so called "life"; well i didn't know what life is. like how could i possible comprehend hard times. and then i got older.
another dilemma came around, and again, i was this naive girl who didn't know a thing about being a real adult. and now.
officially an adult in the world and once again, this stupid sheltered girl. how could i still be blind and naive that my life was fine compared to "real life". as if there were some difference.
you tell a young 9 year old girl to stop crying because isn't serious.
then you tell a young teen what they're going through isn't that bad.
then you tell a young adult that she could never possible know how hard life is because they haven't experienced the real world.
honestly, that's shit. to put down a person and to try to compare another's life to someones else's. it isn't fair and it certainly it not someones place to tell you how to deal with life and how to roll with the punches. someone should never try to define your life like its less important. from what i can tell if my 9 year old self knew what i knew now, i would certainly break the persons nose who told me, my life wasn't real life. what kind of shit is that?! as if breathing and growing and aging isn't life.
there are no comparisons. it just is. and everyone's is different. every persons life should be cherished and handled with care because when a dilemma does happen in your life. it is serious. to you it is.and its no ones fucking place to tell you other wise.
so; i bring myself back, to my dilemma in my life. not looking for someone to tell how what to do with it and how to handle it and how it is not that important. but i know that somehow i got in this pit. and by the glory of all things precious, only i can bring myself out of it, in whatever way that doesn't hurt my heart any more.
