"That Girl'"

i dont know if i ever always been this person or over time ive became who i am now. but if its one thing i know, im not sure if this person ive becomes makes me strong or not.

i had my first date the other night. i think we both decided before hand to have a Skype night, to make things less awkward. the moments leading up to it, i knew i would be nervous either way. i saw potential in something great that could be. i don't know if he felt this way, but it was as if i knew him already. he is this guy with golden brown hair with eyes you can equally get lost into. a smile that could make any sane girl melt. a guy that could make any confident girl feel so insecure. and if his pictures proved my theory to be right, i would melt. and i found myself doing so the moment i saw him. i know ive always been a introvert by nature. drinking of course always changes that, but sober wise. im silent to a fault. when the Skype date started i felt myself get much quieter. it was if i my brain didn't want to me speak with a fear of saying something so stupid. and so the conversation continue. but i always felt myself just staring, admiring on how a guy like that could be single, nonetheless single online. i pushed though my admiration as best as i could and i found myself falling asleep that night excited for the following day.

the morning of, i felt myself in pamper mode, doing everything from cleaning every inch of my body, brushing my hair excessively. it had been my first date in a while. i didnt think i would be mentally prepared. an hour before the set time to the date i must of had a mini break.i sat on my bedroom floor mid way through putting on tights, trying to look as presentable as i could. the truth is, and everyone who looks at me knows im not the perfect figure girl i once found myself to be. my ass got bigger and my thighs werent my thighs.
 worried. scared. replaying a conversation we had the night before. he talked about not being the person in your picture.and how many people do that. i didnt want to disappoint, i didnt want him to walk away and be put off from myself. i was. i still am not happy with my body and yet i agreed. to a first date that some would think isnt that big of a deal. i told myself the same thing. that if it didnt work out, id be cool about it. i wanted to be that person, cool and collected with my shit together, and i hope i pulled that off the whole entire date.

moments later, he was here. outside in my drive way waiting. and i was waiting. waiting to mentally prepare myself not to give his hopes up. because " i aim to please". somehow it always come back to me trying to be that person when all else fails. it probably shouldn't work, but im sure at some point, they dodnt care if it doesnt. he drove us to a tea house, which on the way i made a stupid joke about him being a crappy murder as if he could have done it by now. i knew the moment i said it, i was an idiot.and im sure i wasnt helping my case to try and impress this guy. the moment we got to the tea house, i walked away to collect myself and then stepped back in his presence. i came back to where be were lounging and spent our time there, i found myself doing what i had done the night before. admiring on how stunning he was. he talked about gaming and his family, and i just found myself in awe of how he is still single.
after the tea house, we went to a brewery. my mind and heart was happy for the suggestion to drink. it would help. id be less awkward and less inclined to say stupid things. but it made things worse. well for me. we sat at the bar conversating and he caught an eyelash that had fallen on my cheek. the moment he removed it, i was nervous. he made me nervous. and i haven't been nervous in a while. by the time  we got to his car after the drink , i felt as if it was what we needed. a relaxer to ease some tension of the first date jitters.which i had. we ended kissing and before i knew it i was already home. i pulled myself together enough not to say something stupid and before i knew it i had. something really stupid. regretful stupid. that any sane guy would leave at. but of course. he was kind to a fault. and he may not have admitted it, but i knew i made a good moment bad.

the first date. i pulled through it. but like every end of a date. i find myself being "that girl" waiting on whether to know if he actually liked me and connected to me like i thought i had to him. and if so, where would that go. i may be be over stepping and thinking things i probably shouldnt. things that would make a guy run for the hills. but im here now, being that girl i didnt think i had become.