"That Girl'"

i dont know if i ever always been this person or over time ive became who i am now. but if its one thing i know, im not sure if this person ive becomes makes me strong or not.

i had my first date the other night. i think we both decided before hand to have a Skype night, to make things less awkward. the moments leading up to it, i knew i would be nervous either way. i saw potential in something great that could be. i don't know if he felt this way, but it was as if i knew him already. he is this guy with golden brown hair with eyes you can equally get lost into. a smile that could make any sane girl melt. a guy that could make any confident girl feel so insecure. and if his pictures proved my theory to be right, i would melt. and i found myself doing so the moment i saw him. i know ive always been a introvert by nature. drinking of course always changes that, but sober wise. im silent to a fault. when the Skype date started i felt myself get much quieter. it was if i my brain didn't want to me speak with a fear of saying something so stupid. and so the conversation continue. but i always felt myself just staring, admiring on how a guy like that could be single, nonetheless single online. i pushed though my admiration as best as i could and i found myself falling asleep that night excited for the following day.

the morning of, i felt myself in pamper mode, doing everything from cleaning every inch of my body, brushing my hair excessively. it had been my first date in a while. i didnt think i would be mentally prepared. an hour before the set time to the date i must of had a mini break.i sat on my bedroom floor mid way through putting on tights, trying to look as presentable as i could. the truth is, and everyone who looks at me knows im not the perfect figure girl i once found myself to be. my ass got bigger and my thighs werent my thighs.
 worried. scared. replaying a conversation we had the night before. he talked about not being the person in your picture.and how many people do that. i didnt want to disappoint, i didnt want him to walk away and be put off from myself. i was. i still am not happy with my body and yet i agreed. to a first date that some would think isnt that big of a deal. i told myself the same thing. that if it didnt work out, id be cool about it. i wanted to be that person, cool and collected with my shit together, and i hope i pulled that off the whole entire date.

moments later, he was here. outside in my drive way waiting. and i was waiting. waiting to mentally prepare myself not to give his hopes up. because " i aim to please". somehow it always come back to me trying to be that person when all else fails. it probably shouldn't work, but im sure at some point, they dodnt care if it doesnt. he drove us to a tea house, which on the way i made a stupid joke about him being a crappy murder as if he could have done it by now. i knew the moment i said it, i was an idiot.and im sure i wasnt helping my case to try and impress this guy. the moment we got to the tea house, i walked away to collect myself and then stepped back in his presence. i came back to where be were lounging and spent our time there, i found myself doing what i had done the night before. admiring on how stunning he was. he talked about gaming and his family, and i just found myself in awe of how he is still single.
after the tea house, we went to a brewery. my mind and heart was happy for the suggestion to drink. it would help. id be less awkward and less inclined to say stupid things. but it made things worse. well for me. we sat at the bar conversating and he caught an eyelash that had fallen on my cheek. the moment he removed it, i was nervous. he made me nervous. and i haven't been nervous in a while. by the time  we got to his car after the drink , i felt as if it was what we needed. a relaxer to ease some tension of the first date jitters.which i had. we ended kissing and before i knew it i was already home. i pulled myself together enough not to say something stupid and before i knew it i had. something really stupid. regretful stupid. that any sane guy would leave at. but of course. he was kind to a fault. and he may not have admitted it, but i knew i made a good moment bad.

the first date. i pulled through it. but like every end of a date. i find myself being "that girl" waiting on whether to know if he actually liked me and connected to me like i thought i had to him. and if so, where would that go. i may be be over stepping and thinking things i probably shouldnt. things that would make a guy run for the hills. but im here now, being that girl i didnt think i had become.

My new adventure

after a while, when i was full of self doubt and so much pity, i did one thing. i found myself one night debating on whether i could put myself out there again even after heart break. its never easy and its never fun going through the motions. but by the end of the night, i was typing, just like i am now, but on an online dating site called ok cupid.
now, from past experience i kinda had an idea on how they worked out. i recently in the past had tried pof (another dating site) that worked kinda the same way. the ideals were the same but i was hoping the people weren't.

there i was. profile all filled out. rearranging my photos to try and myself look appealing to the opposite sex; which in my case is always tricky. the men i attract, well lets just say... they never turn out to be the nice guys i thought they once were. but i hoped for the best. i never used tried to be someone i'm not just to appeal to an-other persons ideals and what they were looking for. i was filled everything out honesty and all in my opinion regardless if the men didn't like it or not. and honestly, i think that's the best way to do it.

I've learned over the years not to try to change yourself just to impress someone, regardless of how good looking they are. i mean it doesn't mean put everything out on the table, leave a little room for mystery and for wicked conversation.
i thought maybe if i give this another shot it would work out for me the second time around. and i really am hoping it will. its hard sometimes. feeling like there has to be someone out there that gets you. its a big world and the internet has turned dating into a wonderful exciting thing that can be amazing and heartbreaking as well. its the adventure i have found myself in, trying to sort it all out and find a needle in the haystack of life.

when i found myself on ok cupid, half of mindset was on to find a great guy and the second half was to keep me preoccupied. seriously. i know its sounds kinda weird, i mean if i think its weird it probably is. but with my life right, i'm going with the flow of things and sometimes i just need my love life to do that preoccupied as well. its makes things feel a lot less empty.

now, I've yet to make up my mind on whether is idea of mine is a good one or bad one, but,  its trying something daring that makes everything, even love, much more. and isn't that human nature? to want more?